Feeling Anxious and Burned Out? Discover What’s Fueling It.
The Connection Between People-Pleasing, Anxiety, and Burnout
People-pleasing is a behavior pattern where someone frequently prioritizes the needs of others while neglecting their own.
For many women, this can show up as:
Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”
Overcommitting to work or social obligations
Suppressing your own needs or opinions to avoid conflict and “keep the peace”
Often checking if others are happy with you or your decisions
Hiding your authentic self to avoid disapproval from others
Feeling like it’s your job to make sure everyone else is “doing okay”
Pressured to keep everyone else comfortable or at ease
Going out of your way to prevent others from feeling disappointed or hurt
Desiring to help others can be a healthy and prosocial way of living.
However, when people-pleasing enters the mix of things, your own physical, emotional, and mental well-being begin to erode.
This is a place where women often start to feel incredibly exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, depressed, and burned the heck out. Coupled with a growing disconnection from their own needs and dreams.
The world often feels a lot flatter than it used to. Emptier. Much more grayscale than technicolor.
Another pattern that sometimes interplays with people-pleasing and this growing exhaustion is emotional monitoring.
The Impacts of Emotional Monitoring Upon Anxiety and Burnout
Emotional monitoring is when someone compulsively tracks other people’s feelings, moods, and reactions to assess for any signs that something might be “wrong” or that someone is “upset”.
This often presents itself as:
Paying close attention to tone of voice, facial expressions, or subtle shifts in behavior
Worrying that you said or did the “wrong” thing
Changing your behavior, tone, or mood to keep others calm or happy
Overanalyzing text messages, emails, or conversations for hidden meaning
Feeling anxious if someone seems upset or distant (even if it’s not about you)
Anticipating others’ emotional needs before thinking about your own
Apologizing or overexplaining to avoid conflict, disapproval, or abandonment
Emotional monitoring can feel like empathizing with another.
But it’s actually an attempt to keep yourself safe by attempting to manage others’ emotions and behavior patterns.
This is accomplished through watching the other individual’s reactions and adjusting your own behavior to prevent conflict, disapproval, abandonment, or other negative outcomes.
This is another pattern that requires you to put your own needs and feelings on hold.
It also keeps you in a cycle of stress and heightened anxiety because you feel like you always need to be on “high alert” during many social interactions.
This can make it very difficult to relax and connect with others in meaningful and enriching ways.
You might even find yourself dreading conversations with colleagues and loved ones, because the effort it takes to stay “on” and emotionally attuned to everyone else can be oppressive and draining.
This is where burnout can begin to develop.
Feeling like you always have to monitor, adjust, and keep the peace leaves little room for your own needs and self-identification with your own emotions.
This behavior pattern also contributes to emotional overwhelm, anxiety, depression, and a sense of disconnection from yourself as well as the world within and around you.
The Roots of People-Pleasing: Early Family Influences and Emotional Patterns
People-pleasing and emotional monitoring are protective strategies children learn early on to adapt to a home that felt unsafe, unpredictable, or emotionally intense.
When an environment is chronically unstable, children quickly learn that their own safety, comfort, and emotional needs may depend upon keeping others calm and avoiding conflict as much as possible.
Within childhood, this could have looked something like:
Walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting a parent or caregiver
Overachieving or being extra helpful to gain approval or maintain stability
Hiding your true feelings to avoid being a “burden”
Parentification — experiencing role reversal with parental figures, which may include: caring for siblings, mediating conflict, and more
Saying “sorry” a lot even when you didn’t do anything wrong
Over time, emotional monitoring and people-pleasing become a habitual way of interacting with the world: always watching, adjusting, and prioritizing others’ feelings and concerns over your own.
These ways of relating to the world often persist long after we’ve left our childhood homes and follow us into adulthood.
While these habits helped us survive as children, they presently contribute to persistent stress, anxiety, depression, burnout, and a disconnection from our own thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Considering Change: Overcoming People-Pleasing, Anxiety, and Burnout
When we consider the idea of saying “no” more …
When we think about putting our phone down and setting limits on how accessible we are to others during certain days and times of the week …
When we dream about being our most authentic selves, letting our voice speak freely and without shame or fear within our relationships …
When we contemplate standing up for ourselves by communicating firmer boundaries with our loved ones, colleagues, and other relationships …
It’s completely normal to feel guilty, anxious, and unsure.
When you’re used to saying “yes” all the time and not honoring your own feelings and experiences — it can feel very strange allowing space for yourself and your own needs and dreams within your life again.
It may also feel a bit anxiety-provoking to consider an alternative way of relating to others. Especially if people are used to relying upon you to an unhealthy degree.
Beginning to consider the possibility of change often impacts our own sense of self-identity, purpose, and roles within our life journey.
Feeling doubt, confusion, and even some unsureness about our readiness to change isn’t a bad thing at all! That’s actually incredibly normal.
You’re simply recognizing something very powerful:
“Wow! This is a really big pattern in my life that influences a lot more stuff than I once realized! That’s a lot to take in and process in one sitting.”
The good news? Recognizing these patterns is the first step towards creating a healthier future for yourself and your loved ones.
The better news? You don’t always have to feel “fully ready” to start your journey towards that newfound wellness and balance.
At Beyond the Labyrinth Counseling, one of our passions is to help you reclaim emotional balance, space, and ease within your daily life again!
We welcome the inner complexity that the journey of transformation can bring to our doorstep.
You don’t have to navigate these patterns alone—see how we can support you!